​First, I needed to get to know myself. Introspection. Now getting to know ourselves may seem easy considering we have access to unlimited quality time. We also have the added benefit of not needing to mind read to get inside our heads. However, sometimes it is that direct access into our mind that can make things feel more chaotic. Overloading on information that requires organization skills to sort out conclusions. Stubbornness and bias may also get in the way if we become too fixated on being right or being a “good person” that our flaws get ignored instead of accepted and offered the chance to be worked on.


I needed to understand my feelings. Discover my ticks. Learn what turns me on, motivates and inspires my most optimistic attitude. I also needed to establish what scares me. What may stand in my way before I learn how to navigate around those blockages.


I had to decide who I wanted to be, and then I had to be real with myself on how far along in that process I was. Knowing my goals and aspirations might change, I still had to establish what they were at that time. The person you want to be is already within yourself.


I collected data. Noticing what kinds of people I liked to be around and why. Keeping track of my mood’s interactions with everything and everyone I encounter. Picking up the energy that stimulates my best behavior, and recognizing when that energy is missing. Noting scenery and activities that attract that same positivity, and keeping an open mind while I experimented with what brings me joy. Find the things that make you happy.


Once I established who I am and who I wanted to be, the next step was committing to that person. Action. Accepting this goal will never have an achievement date, but is a constant work in progress. This goal is everlasting, which means an endless supply of successes. A commitment to being consistently vulnerable with how aligned I am with my morals. And my willingness to learn, to grow, and to change when there is a problem I can solve by doing so. I figured if I can manage to be authentic in my intentions and how those reflect on the outside world, the people and circumstances that have access to my life will bring positivity into my world. Authenticity unlocks freedom.


It takes time and practice to learn when to let things go, how to let things flow and what pieces of life are worth focusing energy on. Simplifying what is beneficial to my well-being is an ongoing process I continue to find useful in my daily life. After what felt like 15 years of not living, an almost near-death experience, finding beauty and creating joy is now a luxury that comes with my appreciation.


Life is heavy for all of us. Whether you’re struggling with finances, body image, heartbreak, abuse, grief, medical problems or whatever it may be, each one of us is dealing with something. The staple ingredient to a fulfilling life is desire. If you really want to live a life where you feel good even through hard times, you just have to be willing to work for it. There is no cost, no physical requirements, no person exempt from this opportunity. A recipe requires ingredients AND work, and so does a healthy life. You have the ingredients, are you putting in the effort? I promise it’ll be worth it.

People were taking her happiness & joy for life, and friends, and talking fast, in a way that had the potential to be true, but not even close to determined.
Next thing she knew, she had a daily routine of medicine that was “helping" her. She became accustom to trusting the elders who were guiding her. 
Issues arose but she was not heard. People misunderstood her as paranoid and accused her of making things up when she was concerned how someone was treating her. 
Maybe she was being misunderstood instead of worried people were out to get her. Maybe people twisted every word and every feeling she had.
Maybe the things really bothering her weren’t addressed cause there was too much focus on problems misunderstood and being created with those misunderstandings.
The happy girl was beat up and torn down to believe there was no hope. That she could not have her own opinion. That the feelings and emotions she had were “mentally ill”.
The girl began trusting in the adults, professionals and medicine until she lost all the care she had left.
Was not a matter of how to get better, but how to survive.
Why did she believe them when they said it was better with the medicine? How could it get worse?
They said it would change. She would be happy one day. MAYBE even without medicine.
They said to hang on and keep taking the pills.
The poison.
The cloud over her entire world.

I had my worst lows that year. In and out of hospitals, treatment facilities, in and out-patient programs and rehab homes with my parents hoping I would find some motivation or strength in my life. 
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I understand the fear of not wanting to experiment with taking away medicine that seemed to have been "stabilizing my mood". I had only ever known a life with anti-anxiety and anti-depressant prescriptions. When I felt worse, the psychiatrist would prescribe more. Higher doses, different combinations. The thing my father would always say to new therapists or doctors was no matter how happy I appeared that day, I would always choose to make it all go away if it was that easy. That was the most understood I ever felt back then.

When I finally got out of treatments, and after many changes in plans, work, and colleges, I wound up at University Of New Hampshire and it seemed to be the right fit. I moved in with some girls that I really got along with and enjoyed being around. Because I was a transfer student, my roommates had friends and knowledge within the university that they were able to share and include me in, which was extremely helpful for me finding my fit there. 

I was never an abuser of alcohol or drugs, but liked to drink on occasion with my friends. I started noticing extreme hangovers possibly being linked to one of the new medicines I was prescribed. I don't drink at all anymore (Powerfully Sober), but in a way alcohol saved my life.
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I brought the idea up to my psychiatrist that I found a connection between the new medicine, Lamictal, and hangovers, and that I would like for that not to be a problem while I explore socially in college. I was told how dangerous the risks are of taking this new medicine away with my balance. How I will feel worse and more unstable. I was just thinking how I was finally enjoying something like a normal teenager in college and I wanted to see what it was like to do that without being painfully ill the whole day after. I made the decision, against doctors advice, to ween off the Lamictal. This left me with one last medicine, Abilify. I had been on Abilify since the beginning of this road. 

As the Lamictal drained from my system, partying with my friends became more enjoyable. I also noticed that if anything, my mood had actually lifted. This was the first time I made a decision on my own and saw with my own eyes that the doctors weren't always right. This is where I began questioning everything.

I hadn't lived an adult life medicine free, and felt better taking away a huge load of what I was on. I figured why not try weening off all my medicine, while keeping a careful eye on how I was feeling. 

I carefully weened off the rest of the Abilify and gave it a few weeks to get out of my system completely. The results were life changing to say the least. The cloud was gone. The unknown idea of happiness was clear to me. My emotions were mine. I had a clear head and an open mind. Every single feeling I felt was real, not fogged. I was finally able to be happy.

DISCLAIMER: 
I am not against medicine. I am for understanding what is best for yourself with a clear head. Adolescents do not have the ability to understand themselves with and without medicine to decide what works best for them. Allow time to know yourself & make the choices you trust. ​