I truly believe the universe only deals a hand to a person who can hold it. At the age of 24, I have already faced an extreme amount of trauma. More losses in my family than I can count on two hands, battling suicidal thoughts and dark depression from childhood through my early 20’s, the diagnosis of my brother’s leukemia. My strength must be powerful enough to live the life I have been given. With each challenge I survive, my bravery proves to be reliable. Courage is strengthened by use. Who I am is not lost, but more deeply defined. I am a free-spirit, I appreciate life for what it is and live each day like it’s my last. 

After the recent loss of my brother I have been processing my coming to terms with the “bad things that keep happening”. As a teenager, I commonly acknowledged and complained about the doom that was unfairly pinned on me. I would dwell in that excuse rather than accept that part of life is overcoming those unfair storms. Living is all about balancing dark times with the light we must manage to find. When it rains, we must not close our eyes from the clouds. It is the rainbows after the storm that provide hope, courage, and balance. The universe reminds us that although we have darkness, it is our duty to pick up the light we are offered. Jeffrey was born into this world in a horrifying way that had my parents fearing loss from the very beginning. He was born without a heartbeat, but once he started breathing he was the most cherished gift to all he touched for the next 26 years. I choose to believe that Jeffrey was only supposed to live as long as he did. I hold each memory, every laugh, glare, hug, conversation and moment spent with him as a treasure. I admired his patience, his ability to listen and genuinely care. He had the biggest heart, always offering help when he could. He had a gentle manner about him that allowed his humor to shine bright and his calmness to ripple over others. To me, he was the most supportive big brother by blood, loyal friend by choice, and inspiring role model whose lessons will encourage me for the rest of my life. “It is what it is” doesn’t feel okay when talking about the death of my own brother, however I know with 100% confidence that Jeffrey would not want anyone to hurt from anything associated with his being. “It is what it is” is the truth. There is no bringing him back, there is no what if he were still here. There is only this new life my family and his friends must learn to adjust to.

There is hope for a happy life, even though it will be different than before. The survivors must not only survive, but reach to believe in life again. Grief has always inspired my curiosity. In college, I took a Death & Dying course that was my favorite class of my entire student career. I wonder about afterlife, but more importantly I search for guidance in ways to continue after the loss of a loved one. I encourage feeling emotions without judgement. Allowing our body and our mind to proceed with whatever feels natural. Fighting tears only floods our internal battle making it more difficult to stay afloat. Feeling guilty about not wanting to be sad is a waste of joyful moments. However you feel is valid. Allow yourself time, remind yourself your strength, give permission for sadness but find moments to smile. You can have moments of sadness while living a happy life. Remember to keep your windows open for when the light comes around.

I used to cry ALL the time. I’m talking sad tv, happy tv, someone hurt my feelings, someone said something really nice, there was a cute puppy, for no reason at all..I mean I just CRIED. I would lay in bed crying, go to sleep crying, cry throughout the day and I was constantly in a state of depression. When New Lindsay came around, it became impossible for me to cry. I was in la la land phase of my newfound happiness and nothing could stop me. I felt like I could battle anything and I didn’t have time for tears, only room for smiles and ecstatic enjoyment of the world. At times, I felt like I could use a good cry but the tears wouldn’t come. If I did start to cry I would immediately stop and just smile and be proud of the fact that I was able to control my tears. 

As time went on, I learned that the phases I was going through were natural. They were necessary in order to balance out at a rate that made sense for what I had gone through. I grew with each day. Having the understanding and the belief that I was able to overcome any situation while balancing the idea that feelings are not in my control and sometimes an emotion that Old Lindsay would have associated with awful, drowning, torture is actually normal to go through in an amount I could now sustain. 

I will never forget the first day New Lindsay got upset during work. I was just finishing my 30 minute lunch break at Nordstrom and saw something on my phone that was very unsettling to me. I had to clock back in and ended up tearing up in my work place. Some of my co-workers came over to me asking if I was okay, which of course led to me not being able to hold back the tears. My manager pulled me aside and asked if there was anything she could do for me to help me through whatever was upsetting me. Rebecca will deny it every time but she was seriously one of my biggest mentors during my transition to my new life and she made me really want to work harder to be the best employee I could be. She told me to take a 15 minute break, splash some water on my face and see if I could get myself to a better place to finish out my shift. The last breakdown I had at my last job turned into me leaving the shift early and quitting entirely. I remember going to the employee bathroom in Nordstrom, looking at myself in the mirror and dabbing my face with my cold wet hands. It only took about two minutes to realize that the girl looking back at me in my reflection wasn’t one to walk out. She isn’t even someone who can stay upset. That was one of the first moments that I made the distinction between sad and depressed. Old Lindsay would have let this one unsettling moment turn into everything I don’t care about or want to do with my life. New Lindsay used this moment of sadness to prove to myself that I can dust it off my shoulders and continue to live, because that is what i am doing now. I am living. For the first time in 22 years, I am and want to live life to the fullest.

The most important reason I feel sharing my story can motivate and inspire is that I am just a normal girl. I experience everyday things with an understanding of the way I used to handle them and how that worked and my newfound understanding of balanced ways to get through but also not be numb to the tough parts of life. There are so many things we can not control. Whether or not you feel inspired by the motivational memes on your news feed, I believe I have learned significant tools and ways of thinking that are critical to living to the happiest and healthiest potential. It is my mission to offer this advice to the people who want it, and more importantly to inspire the people who haven’t found their motivation yet to believe in themselves. It is possible. It isn’t easy, but it is the most fulfilling thing to have challenges spark some sort of passion inside of you where you know you’ll get through it and when you do, you get to look back at yet another obstacle that you defeated through courage, strength and believing in yourself.


So cry. Know that it is COMPLETELY normal to cry. When you’re finished letting it out, know that you are just as strong, just as capable, and more balanced and ready to take on the world with that release. Observe instead of judge. You need to cry? You need to cry. Don’t question it. "It is what it is” can be a great expression to remind yourself that sometimes there are facts that can’t be helped by bringing an opinion to them. Let it happen and then move on! ​