I do feel beautiful sometimes. I see my reflection and my soul shines through. I know who I am and I trust the beauty within myself. But there are plenty of times when my insecurities overpower. Living in LA, it’s hard not to compare myself. To wonder where I rank in the beauty others see. I catch myself feeling at the bottom of the totem pole. I don’t feel so beautiful anymore.
Those times where I recognize my beauty, I feel it from my heart. My scale is based on my intentions, my character. Those qualities that matter most, or at least they should. Anyone who judges me on anything besides the way I treat others, the way I treat myself, has work to do on their own beauty.
I don’t know someone’s story, someone’s heart, by the way they look on the outside. I remember when I first lost weight and was picking up new attention, people would assume I wasn’t friendly. Acting intimidated until I lent a compliment with a genuine smile. Like because they thought I looked good, I couldn’t be nice. I received more compassion when I carried my pain physically, when my struggle was visible to others. We all look different, we all act different. There’s a way to look at other people and find beauty within these differences. People to learn from, people to grow with. Fascinated by what we all have to offer. Curious who lives inside the exterior we see.
Dating these days is rough, especially in LA. As if you have to have a certain amount of Instagram followers to be considered for a date. It’s hard to feel secure when your quality is being compared through social media. In another city, where fame and appearance isn’t priority, I feel like I’d be judged less harshly. I’d have more opportunities for people to actually get to know me. Do I really even want to go out with the guy whose standards are based on my level of "Insta-fame"? I feel sad for these men. Missing out on quality partners while they wait for their fantasy. They'll be waiting forever. I know what I have to offer. To miss out on that because of a number on top of a screen is unfortunate to say the least.
So how do I do it? How do I remain undefeated by this critical world? Carry confidence and practice self-love? The answer may not be easy, but it’s simple. I continue to work on the pieces of myself I’m unsure about and I continue to recognize the pieces that are unapologetically beautiful.
I’m not a saint. I catch myself being judgmental towards others at times. I know these judgements come from a place of insecurity in myself. I still care what people think of me so this is how it bounces back. How can I work on this? I give the benefit of the doubt. Keep an open mind for others the way I would want someone to do for me. The less I worry about what other people are doing, the more time I can enjoy life. I feel pride when I’m able to see through actions and understand plausible reasoning. When I see the deeper beauty within someone else. Like we can all love each other if we just take a moment to see the bigger picture. I feel more beautiful when I’m able to act in this manner. Understanding there's more than meets the eye.
The most beautiful people are the ones who can truly see beauty. Who see anything less as an opportunity to create a metaphorical makeover. Beauty is growth. Beauty is hope. Beauty is opportunity. I don’t want to see myself in any other way. If I choose to see my beauty, I am choosing to be beautiful. Those who gravitate towards this kind of authenticity are ready to be a part of my life. I believe everyone can find loveliness within themselves and then share it with the world. I don’t believe everyone is at a place in their life where that is an individual priority to them.
What I can do for myself to build confidence and not let insecurity take over, is believe in the things I have control over. Believe I have power over the things that truly matter. Always take steps to make sure my beauty shines brighter than my doubts, because my doubts in myself are in-progress. My beauty isn’t what other people see, it’s what I see. The people in my life who see my beauty, see me. Physical appearance is the last thing that makes a person beautiful. If I can see that in others, I can be less critical of myself. I can believe in the truth about beauty. I can feel beautiful no matter what.