Learning to cope.

It’s been over two years now since my brother’s sudden passing. I still find myself breaking down randomly. A memory gets triggered, a craving to see him, or just the realization I never can again and I feel gutted to tears. I find myself checking the date. Hoping there’s an anniversary or it’s near his birthday so I can validate my own suffering. As if grief knows what day it is. As if I only have permission to cry over this loss on certain times of the year. 


My advice for anyone dealing with this type of pain is to not overthink your hurting. It is scary to know you’ll carry this pain forever. Like a chronic illness or an injury one must learn to live around, grief doesn’t go away, it can’t be ignored, but we learn to cope. There’s no right way or right time to feel what we feel, the best we can do is treat ourselves with compassion as we navigate these new pains. The more swallowed and held in, the tighter the room inside our hearts. The only way to make space to breathe and to continue living to the best of our ability is to let out those emotions and reward ourselves for doing so. 


My body took a serious toll these first couple years before I learned how to release. Release the trauma and let go of my ideas of strength. The more I allow myself to cry, to remember him and to miss him, the better I feel overall. It’s not like I could ever erase the fact that he’s gone. Pushing away my release of emotions didn’t take those emotions away. In fact, it held on tightly to them. Now, I see my emotions, nurture them and send them on their way. Making room for a natural flow, plenty of space for happiness, joy, and hope. 


With more of my friends experiencing these tough losses, I have become familiar with what I can offer best. We can never truly understand the relationships and the losses of another person, but like the rest of my blog, I can reveal my truths, my struggles and my growth, and hope somewhere along the way I inspire someone else’s journey. I hope I can prevent someone else from having 2 years of built up tension in their bodies. Eliminate extra time spent trapping hurtful emotions within their heart. Bring peace to the curiosity of life beyond the loss of a close loved one. Proof that happiness never expires.