When the pain is uncontrollable.

For the past 10 or more years I have suffered from TMD, a condition that causes inflammation and severe pain in the jaw and neck. As years have gone by, my pain has gotten more and more unbearable. I have tried everything from acupuncture to Botox, anti-inflammatory and CBD microdosing, physical therapy, chiropractor, rolfing, mouth guards and more. After doing so much work on my mental and physical well being, it is frustrating to say the least to be stuck in this kind of discomfort. 


As I write this, I still have not found a solution. I am waiting for doctors’ appointments, x-rays, scans, and more suggestions that I honestly can’t pretend I’m hopeful about. I truly believe I am at a level of my well-being where any disruptions to my happiness need my permission to enter. Where no matter what happens to or around me, I have the capacity and the power to walk away unscathed. To exert energy only on the battles I deem worthy. To not let my mood alter by my circumstances. However I must admit, feeling out of control when it comes to physical pain, and feeling at a loss when it comes to any sign of relief, has been chipping away at my strength. 


When I used to feel suicidal, I felt as though life was not worth living. Now, I’ve created a life I love living. A life with purpose and enthusiasm looking ahead. But I can’t imagine living in this amount of pain at the frequency and level I do now. I feel trapped. Stuck in a body that doesn’t support my dreams. This uncontrollable road block pounding through as my internal alarm screams back constantly. I’m drowning in the energy that is needed to simply function. Those suffering from terminal illness or chronic pain most likely understand the torture. There is no quick fix, sometimes no solution at all. But I know physical change comes after emotional. I have faith in my mind to overcome this challenge. 


Usually I write from collected data. With confidence in my success. Sharing because I believe my individual trial and error might guide another on their own journey. In this case, I’m writing as a way to guide myself. To remind myself that even while I sit here in discomfort, even though I want to rip my face off, I have more uplifting thoughts than those. I have a track record of getting through everything that has come my way. I have trust in mind over matter. And I know my mind is the strongest competitor. Any player, whether it be chronic pain, grief, heartbreak, or any fighter against my mind, my being, will be defeated.