One year later and I’m taking back the main character role of my life. Step aside chronic pain, your time at center stage is over.


I’m no longer fighting a constant, terrorizing battle. My pain does not debilitate me like it did before. What once felt like an all powerful dictator, impossible to takeover, now feels more like an annoying pest. Bothering me in smaller doses. Reminding me of its existence but no longer running the show. 


One year later and I barely use my ice packs. My cheeks touch my pillow. Traveling doesn’t revolve around freezers and plans don’t require warning of impending cancellation due to a disability I can’t control. I'm trying harder to feel good all around. Mascara, skincare, spontaneous adventures. My cheeks may be squeaky from time to time and sure, I have more facial pain than your average person, but I’m smiling! My mind has more room for dreams. My life has more time for fun. 


Huge ginormous shoutout to Kevin So at Prosper LA for working with me since the beginning of my recovery to find the quickest path to relief. Kevin spent time researching my medical history and experimenting with different ideas that might be able to help. He immediately got rid of my post-surgery first-bite syndrome with a simple suggestion and worked on chiropractic adjustments and different myofascial techniques over the past year that guided me to where I am today. I recommend anyone in the Los Angeles area who is struggling with any type of physical challenge to book a consultation with Kevin or his fiancée, Claudia, who does acupuncture out of the same office. They are a dream team and I truly wouldn’t have gotten through this year as smoothly without them. 


Another year, another life-changing challenge overcome. A monumental token earned through perseverance. My confidence in my ability to get through anything life hands me has once again sky rocketed to another level. 


The key ingredient to an unwavering fulfilling life is clear. Everything comes easier with emotional intelligence. Learning how to cope with hardships, tackle obstacles, stay strong when faced with fearful or upsetting news. Building EQ is the key to maintaining control of your emotions, relationships, unplanned or unwanted circumstances, and remaining positive no matter what. 


While I couldn’t have done any of this without Dr. Wolford, my rockstar surgeon, my mindset once again carried me through. Led me to this win. Success was the only option and I chose to eliminate unnecessary suffering in that journey. I took what lemons life gave me and I made the sweetest lemonade possible out of them. If you haven’t yet discovered just how powerful your mind is, get excited. That discovery is waiting for you and it will be your weapon and your shield. It will change everything for the better.

Hi.
It’s me again.
I don’t want to be here either. 
I know I hurt you. I know I strip all your energy.
I know I limit your potential. 
I’ve seen you try endlessly to get rid of me.
You’ve put your body through tremendous suffering all at the hopes of us parting ways.
You’ve had people tell you I’m just in your head. Wouldn’t that be nice?
You’ve had professionals tell you there’s nothing you can do. It’s too late, you’re stuck with me forever.
You’ve had a short list of people give you hope that they will be the ones to scare me off.
But I’m still here.
I keep you up at night and I bring you down at day.
Your hopes and dreams? Sorry, I won’t allow them.
You want to date? Does he want to date me too?
You want to travel? Better make sure you have a way to freeze me out.
You want to show up for your friends and family? First you have to show up for me, then we’ll see how much you have left to give.
You have so much to be grateful for. So much giving back you feel you owe.
You have your head on straight, high morals and a generous heart. 
But if you even try to prioritize anything over me I will suffocate you.
Drown you.
End you.
You can try to ignore me but I’ll keep screaming.
Try to lose me but I run faster.
Face it, 
I control you.


But I know you won’t stop trying.
I fear you.
I think you might find a way.
You make it difficult to hang on.
So strong, I’m losing my grip.
So persistent, I’m getting tired myself.
I feel my time is running out.
Sorry we’ve been fighting for so long. 
If you never give up I might just have to. 

~ Your Chronic Pain

How am I feeling? Like I’m waiting to find out if I’m going to survive or not. Like in the next couple months I either miraculously notice my pain start to go away or that’s it, game over. I’m out of lives. I’m out of gamer hacks. I’ve tried every door and every code. I gave it all I could but was it even enough to save me?


People who don’t suffer from chronic pain don’t understand how impossible it is to do anything but sit at home. To go out, to socialize, to be away from my ice packs is excruciatingly painful. My friend had a holiday party Friday night. An early evening, fairly chill gathering at her house. Even though I planned on going for weeks, picked out my outfit and found the perfect present for her, I had to tell her I wasn’t up for it. 4 pm came and my energy for the day was on empty. It didn’t matter that I actually really wanted to be there, that there were people there I would have loved to spend time with, it was out of my control. I might have been able to swing it if I wore my ice pack the entire time but that would require more energy into explaining myself. As much as it would be easier to have a sign on my forehead that says “not fully here”, I never want to be that sad story. 


I’m no stranger to being misunderstood. I’ve experienced many things in life most people can’t relate to. I’m lucky enough to have found so many friends who support me through these struggles. Who specify “no pressure” when they offer an invitation. Who appreciate whenever I do make the effort to show up, because they know I sacrificed to do so. 


While I sit here waiting to find out if a life of freedom is in my future, all I can do is be kind to myself. Show myself the compassion my friends have been generous enough to show me. Forgive myself for saying no or canceling because of my health. Be proud of myself for even making it out during the day. I hate being a burden and it’s unbelievably frustrating to carry baggage I have no control over. We never know what curveballs life will throw us, it is vital to create a community of people that we can trust will have our back through the hard times. Even more importantly, I must remember to have my own back.

I want to start with a shoutout to my parents. My Mom slept on a hospital couch in my room for 3 nights, 100% taking over as my night nurse. She consistently attended to my every need and had to watch some pretty gnarly and upsetting events. Extra shoutout to my Mom for coming up with the crushed ice filled medical gloves and going and filling and tying those more times than I can even keep track of. And shoutout to my Dad who drove back and forth daily bringing me everything I needed. He brushed my hair and helped us on our walks. I like to think I'm a pretty independent person, but I truly don't know how I could have done this without them.

Overall, the pain in recovery is not much worse than I experienced daily before surgery. However, congestion of fluids stuck in my swollen face has been extremely rough for me. I have had pretty bad spells of vertigo and nausea and the anemia from blood loss during surgery has been overwhelming.

​Days 1-3 in the hospital were honestly not too bad. I was getting down my fluids, taking walks, brushing my teeth and barely using my pain killers.

The last two nights were pretty horrible though. I did not sleep once in the hospital because I was given antibiotics and vital checks pretty frequently through the nights and on the last night I couldn't stop spitting up and dripping fluids.

Coming back to the Airbnb we're renting for the next month was very exciting but my swelling only continued to get worse. The first night back at Airbnb was extremely uncomfortable and I had to wake up in the middle of the night to take a bunch of pills through my swollen throat. After being in and out of sleep all night I got myself up and outside for a walk. With my Dad walking my dog and my Mom walking me, we took a walk to Starbucks in the morning and a walk to the dog park in the afternoon. Still dealing with vertigo and nausea but definitely feel better moving.

Not being able to eat is absolute torture. I have another 4 weeks before my doctor removes the bands on my braces preventing me from eating anything but liquids and then another FOUR MONTHS until I can eat anything harder than pasta. I honestly think that is the hardest part of all.

​Going into Day 7 post-surgery, I believe my battle is heading uphill. Check back for more updates!

It’s a strange feeling entering into a total life transformation knowingly. Most big changes or lessons in my life happened without any preparation. Without any idea they were even coming. While most weight-loss journeys are a choice, mine came to fruition over night when I got off a medication and saw immediate change that sparked a full mind and body transformation. Most of the deep losses I’ve experienced were also sudden. Grief that jolted new perspective. Even my move to California came from a random day in Boston that I just decided I was ready to go somewhere new. But this life changer I’ve waited years for. The surgery that stands between me and my pain-free life. 


Since getting an actual date for surgery my emotions have been everywhere. I’ve worked incredibly hard to get to the day where I can undergo this transformation. Preparation with braces, traveling to different surgeons, and before that a list of failed appliances and treatments. While it seems time to prepare would be a benefit, I’ve found it to be more of a challenge. 


As we all know, worrying about things out of control is a waste of time and energy. Obviously easier said than done. But on top of that there’s the line that separates what we can and can’t control. There has been A LOT of work involved in preparing for this surgery. 6 months with a mouth appliance to prepare my bite for a new jaw positioning, 3 months of braces to get to the wires suitable for surgery, planning travel to Dallas, finding a place to stay for an entire month after surgery when I need to remain nearby the hospital, amongst many other arrangements. It’s been almost impossible to distract myself from the impending and horrifying experience that is double jaw surgery with total joint replacement and the reality that my last chance at a pain-free life might soon be proven impossible. 


However difficult distracting myself may feel, it is definitely the successful method to getting through all of this. When I’m not actively working on plans for the big day, I am keeping myself busy. Focusing on doing all the things I soon won’t be able to do feels like a celebration. Every meal, every activity, every moment of freedom before months of recovery feels like a well earned accomplishment. However good these moments of joy feel now, they’re going to feel immensely more joyful soon. I’m celebrating all I’ve gone through to get to this moment and I’m celebrating this moment, coming around the corner, where I can truly begin to heal. 


Navigating my way through the years, then months, then weeks before this life changing event has been a journey on its own. Everything I’ve felt, pain, uncertainty, anxiety, worry, fear, is all a part of the human experience. I’m grateful to navigate these emotions and learn from them as I can always choose to do. With everything negative or unsettling I choose to rewrite a positive narrative. The surgery WILL be incredible. The life I’ve been longing for as long as I can remember is JUST around the corner. I love who I am now so I can love who I am through this next chapter. I’m just so unbelievably grateful for this wait to be over.

After a decade of having no answers, and worse, being misled by doctors - my usual - I finally know what is wrong and how to fix it. Let me go over my history suffering from jaw and neck pain, hopefully connecting with anyone still searching for answers in their own journey with chronic pain. 

-In high school I noticed clicking in my jaw. Every time I yawned I'd have to crack my joints back into place. I felt clicking and popping when I ate but also sometimes from doing nothing at all. My psychiatrist at the time - the same doctor who misdiagnosed me with Bipolar at age 8 and put me on medicine that led to 15 years of suicidal thoughts and obesity - diagnosed me with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and told me this concern was only in my head. Read more about my story with misdiagnosis and transformation of my mind, body, and soul.

-Fast forward to almost 10 years later and the pain is unbearable. I no longer have clicking or popping because my TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint) discs have been completely degenerated. I am in agonizing pain every moment of every day and can only schedule a couple hours at a time of play because I have to make it back to my freezer with my ice packs. At this point I have tried acupuncture, botox, anti-inflammatory and CBD microdosing, physical therapy, chiropractor, rolfing, medical massage, two different mouth guards and seen many specialists in orofacial pain, neurology, spine, eyes, dentistry, medical massage therapy and more but nothing is working and nobody can pinpoint the problem. I will note that while many people suffering from TMD (Temporomandibular Joint Disorder) get told over and over that it's in their head, that only happened to me with my childhood psychiatrist and with a concierge doctor in Los Angeles who told me it was built-up trauma. If you are being told that your TMJ pain is in your head but you believe there is something physically wrong, read on to find out exactly who to contact for help.

When the pain is uncontrollable. - still no answers.
How revealing is your social media? - honesty.
Powering through. - coping.
Life reflects what we're searching for. - more coping.
​


​-Finally, in the summer of 2021, I went to Boston, where I'm from and where my parents still live, for 3 months to work with Dr. Ratti Handa and try to find success with her team. It was there I learned more about The Breathe Institute and Dr. Soroush Zaghi. I started with a mouth appliance that got refit every couple weeks to fix my bite. I also had weekly sessions of Myofunctional therapy and eventually, in July of 2021, I underwent tongue-tie release surgery, a frenotomy. I do believe this mouth appliance fixed my bite and that tongue-tie surgery was necessary even though neither fixed my pain. I did see a change in mobility in my neck and shoulders post-frenotomy. I believe in these steps as preparation for surgery just as they were intended to be. Dr. Handa set me up with the surgeon from The Breathe Institute, Dr. Coppleson, when I got back home to Los Angeles. The information I received from him was that my airway was way smaller than it should be and he could fix that but he didn't believe surgery would help with my pain. He said there was nothing anyone could do for me and that I should "try physical therapy."

Finding my window of hope through chronic pain. - progress but no change in pain.

-December 2021 I met with an orthodontist in Los Angeles, Dr. Hang, who connected me with the surgeon in Dallas, Texas who will change my life forever. While Dr. Hang had a different vision for the work I needed on my mouth, he was able to understand my problem and guide me to the proper solution. Dr. Hang wanted to expand my palate as much as possible before surgery because he believed that would provide the most relief but in the end my surgeon thought it made more sense to leave my bite the way it was. My bite was actually good, possibly because of the appliance Dr. Handa provided. Changing my bite would have led to more pain and more time and money wasted. Not to mention it would have made the surgeon's job more difficult. I ended up getting my braces removed after those 2 months and getting to spend 4 months without braces at all.  

Brace face and saying goodbye to chronic TMJ pain forever. - right surgeon, wrong orthodontist.
​Sticking up for myself. - switching orthodontists.
Climbing roadblocks for better views. - more coping.

-In February 2022 I set up a zoom with Dr. Larry Wolford in Dallas, TX. I had never talked to anyone more knowledgable about what was going on in my body and how to fix it. To sum it up, my jaw grew wrong, most likely from a tongue-tie at birth. Because of the structure of my jaw, my temporomandibular joints grinded bone on bone anytime I moved my mouth since I was a baby. My discs had completely worn away on both sides and on top of arthritis in my joints, the inflammation caused my styloid process on both sides of my face to grow all the way down my neck into my shoulders, a rare disease called Eagle Syndrome.

-In April 2022 I went out with my mom to see Dr. Wolford in person. I met with real, live success stories right there in his office. People who had gone through what I am going through and came out the other side PAIN FREE! I was FINALLY where I needed to be and Dr. Wolford is going to save me. 

WARNING: Ignore your pain and you will suffer. - learning about Eagle Syndrome.
I view my clouds as art. - more coping.
​How I cope with uncertain times. - more coping.


Knowing now that I needed total joint replacement it was a waiting game until I could finally undergo the surgery that stood between me and my pain-free life. My custom TMJ prostheses would take 6-8 months to prepare and I would need a few months of braces before surgery to get into the wires required by my surgeon. I went to Snow Orthodontics in Agoura Hills for my braces, which they were able to finish in less than three months to beat my prostheses arrival. This week I got the call I have been waiting for! My joints will be delivered November 10th and I AM SCHEDULED FOR SURGERY November 15th!!!! I will be updating this page on my blog with everything. The preparation, the process, the healing. Juices, smoothies and other recipes that get me through the 6 weeks of liquid diet. Most importantly, I will be sharing authentically the challenges and hopefully successes of this journey. For now, here are my scheduled procedures and my coping methods.

Making my way through the darkness.

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