Under construction...

​I used to be the type of person who would drive hundreds of miles for a friend in need. The type of human who would be fun to socialize with for hours on end. I had an open home policy to my friends and I’d constantly be coming up with creative and spontaneous ways to show the people in my life I care about them. I didn’t love dating but I didn’t dread it either. I felt confident and alive walking around in the world. I was really there for myself but before I learned how to do that, I was always there for others. 


Since dealing with chronic pain I’ve watched these things I pride myself on slowly drift out of my capacity. Barely enough energy to take care of myself let alone lend a helping hand. I find myself on the receiving end of love and care more than giving. I am so far removed from the person I want to be but I try to remind myself I’m doing the best I can and it won’t be like this forever. 
​
​

People often ask me if I’m scared for my surgery. The truth is I’m only scared it won’t work. Scared my pain won’t go away but also concerned about who I’ll be if it does. Am I able to bring back the qualities of myself I thought were lost because of the pain? 


Luckily I can trust myself. I know I’m a strong enough person to achieve what I set my mind to. It will be a journey, often a battle, but I know once my parts are repaired, I’ll be able to go anywhere and do anything. Once I’m able, I will put in the work to build my life around my morals. Being who I want to be and going above and beyond for those around me will be my reality again. But for now I rest. Feeling guilty about focusing on myself during this time is only wasted energy. I must take care of me as I get ready for this battle. I am under construction now but soon I'll have new foundation and the strength to take on the world again, even better than before.