How I discovered my cloud was the medicine.

2011 was hands down my toughest year. Although high school seemed like the worst battle each day, it was a structured routine that I did not have to choose for myself. Graduating high school seems appealing because you have the freedom to finally start tackling individual dreams and goals. I didn't have any of those, so for me it was the reality of that instead. 

I had my worst lows that year. In and out of hospitals, treatment facilities, in and out-patient programs and rehab homes with my parents hoping I would find some motivation or strength in my life. 
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I understand the fear of not wanting to experiment with taking away medicine that seemed to have been "stabilizing my mood". I had only ever known a life with anti-anxiety and anti-depressant prescriptions. When I felt worse, the psychiatrist would prescribe more. Higher doses, different combinations. The thing my father would always say to new therapists or doctors was no matter how happy I appeared that day, I would always choose to make it all go away if it was that easy. That was the most understood I ever felt back then.

When I finally got out of treatments, and after many changes in plans, work, and colleges, I wound up at University Of New Hampshire and it seemed to be the right fit. I moved in with some girls that I really got along with and enjoyed being around. Because I was a transfer student, my roommates had friends and knowledge within the university that they were able to share and include me in, which was extremely helpful for me finding my fit there. 

I was never an abuser of alcohol or drugs, but liked to drink on occasion with my friends. I started noticing extreme hangovers possibly being linked to one of the new medicines I was prescribed. I don't drink at all anymore (Powerfully Sober), but in a way alcohol saved my life.
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I brought the idea up to my psychiatrist that I found a connection between the new medicine, Lamictal, and hangovers, and that I would like for that not to be a problem while I explore socially in college. I was told how dangerous the risks are of taking this new medicine away with my balance. How I will feel worse and more unstable. I was just thinking how I was finally enjoying something like a normal teenager in college and I wanted to see what it was like to do that without being painfully ill the whole day after. I made the decision, against doctors advice, to ween off the Lamictal. This left me with one last medicine, Abilify. I had been on Abilify since the beginning of this road. 

As the Lamictal drained from my system, partying with my friends became more enjoyable. I also noticed that if anything, my mood had actually lifted. This was the first time I made a decision on my own and saw with my own eyes that the doctors weren't always right. This is where I began questioning everything.

I hadn't lived an adult life medicine free, and felt better taking away a huge load of what I was on. I figured why not try weening off all my medicine, while keeping a careful eye on how I was feeling. 

I carefully weened off the rest of the Abilify and gave it a few weeks to get out of my system completely. The results were life changing to say the least. The cloud was gone. The unknown idea of happiness was clear to me. My emotions were mine. I had a clear head and an open mind. Every single feeling I felt was real, not fogged. I was finally able to be happy.

DISCLAIMER: 
I am not against medicine. I am for understanding what is best for yourself with a clear head. Adolescents do not have the ability to understand themselves with and without medicine to decide what works best for them. Allow time to know yourself & make the choices you trust. ​