I Used To Be The Fat Girl

​After losing 90 pounds, you might think confidence and self love come naturally. The truth is I catch myself being more critical than ever before. I let the high of all the hard work and success fade away for moments long enough to pick at the size of my hips or the flab on my arms still covering my freshly strengthened muscle. I hold myself to new standards. “I can do anything I set my mind to” holds new pressure. I see how far I’ve come, why don’t I look the way I want? 

It’s a whole new game learning to love your reflection when you’ve always hated the person staring back. You see the difference, you feel change, but your pattern is stuck. How can this person make me feel any different? I used to be the fat girl, I’ll always be the fat girl. The fat girl gone healthy. The self criticizing girl pushing to move past her old habits. The powerful, transforming woman who fought through heavy, intense experiences as well as heavy weight for so long. 

Self love, admiration for your whole being, comes from within. I have work to do. Progress still to come. I have earned the right to see and love myself for exactly who I am and who I’m becoming. To respect myself for this transformation and all the hard work that went into it. 

I’m not wearing that same overweight, lifeless, floating through life zombie look that I used to. I’m also not guaranteed a judgment free mind. Everything comes back to the way you view yourself. The idea that “looking pretty” carries happiness is a risky way to coordinate your thoughts. Carrying happiness, however, can be accompanied by a glow if you choose to allow it to shine through. A glow that is so attractive it doesn’t stop to wonder how or why. Never stop fighting your internal negative thoughts and judgements. Love yourself more than any pain you’ve ever felt. You only get one host to live this life through. Take care of yourself, love yourself, and most importantly be easy on yourself.