This post is not a complaint post. While it could have been another post on gratefulness, giving back, hurting for those suffering worse, this is a post on allowance. Allowing myself to recognize where difficulties may stand personally, and not judging if I’m allowed to be upset or not. Pretending like it’s not possible for me to be struggling just because there are people struggling worse is an injustice to myself and honestly anyone who I tell that lie to. I believe I’m an extremely sympathetic person and I give back to the best of my abilities, but sometimes it’s okay to see what might be hard for me. Without comparison, I can evaluate my own mental state. Who’s to say someone in a worse predicament can’t find comfort in the fact that even I, free from the same struggles they face, have my own hurdles to pull through at this time.
Without my daily adventures my entire routine is left stale. Uninspired without a change in scenery or my practice of opening my mind through new surroundings, I’m left with a total writer’s block. Feeling homesick and imagining for the first time since I left Boston, that maybe I want to move back, when in reality I just miss my friends, miss my family, and have been lacking what I came to California for in the first place. Just like the rest of us, I want my routine back. The lack of control any of us have over our own lives right now truly feels threatening.
As we have been flattening the curve and preparing to reopen and acclimate back into the world, I am trying not to get ahead of myself. Remembering the good things going for me before life was put on pause. Taking this time to brainstorm ways to work through those pieces of my life that still felt unsettled and needing work. Looking forward to life on the other side and putting off those stir-crazy or dramatized thoughts coming from a place that won’t be reality for much longer. Instead of jumping to conclusions, or making decisions about myself and my life based on this unique experience, I will be patient. Wait out the storm for the rainbow. Find new ways to give back to those whose rainbows might take a little more rain and a little more light to find.
When this is over, I hope we all have new strength. We battled this fight together. No matter how committed to following the safety orders people may have been, I’ll choose to believe we all did our best. I hope to believe we all learned a thing or two. I know my growth is in my control no matter what is going on around me. When I can finally hug my friends and hug my family, I know new appreciation will be held. Exploring will taste even sweeter and errands will now most certainly feel adventurous. You can’t see light without darkness, and this dull period will provide newfound gratification in everyday activities. I look forward to what comes next.