Coping.
Challenges in life are inevitable. How we handle those challenges is what determines our happiness.
Life is HEAVY. We are STRONG.
Life is HEAVY. We are STRONG.
For the past 10 or more years I have suffered from TMD, a condition that causes inflammation and severe pain in the jaw and neck. As years have gone by, my pain has gotten more and more unbearable. I have tried everything from acupuncture to Botox, anti-inflammatory and CBD microdosing, physical therapy, chiropractor, rolfing, mouth guards and more. After doing so much work on my mental and physical well being, it is frustrating to say the least to be stuck in this kind of discomfort.
As I write this, I still have not found a solution. I am waiting for doctors’ appointments, x-rays, scans, and more suggestions that I honestly can’t pretend I’m hopeful about. I truly believe I am at a level of my well-being where any disruptions to my happiness need my permission to enter. Where no matter what happens to or around me, I have the capacity and the power to walk away unscathed. To exert energy only on the battles I deem worthy. To not let my mood alter by my circumstances. However I must admit, feeling out of control when it comes to physical pain, and feeling at a loss when it comes to any sign of relief, has been chipping away at my strength. When I used to feel suicidal, I felt as though life was not worth living. Now, I’ve created a life I love living. A life with purpose and enthusiasm looking ahead. But I can’t imagine living in this amount of pain at the frequency and level I do now. I feel trapped. Stuck in a body that doesn’t support my dreams. This uncontrollable road block pounding through as my internal alarm screams back constantly. I’m drowning in the energy that is needed to simply function. Those suffering from terminal illness or chronic pain most likely understand the torture. There is no quick fix, sometimes no solution at all. But I know physical change comes after emotional. I have faith in my mind to overcome this challenge. Usually I write from collected data. With confidence in my success. Sharing because I believe my individual trial and error might guide another on their own journey. In this case, I’m writing as a way to guide myself. To remind myself that even while I sit here in discomfort, even though I want to rip my face off, I have more uplifting thoughts than those. I have a track record of getting through everything that has come my way. I have trust in mind over matter. And I know my mind is the strongest competitor. Any player, whether it be chronic pain, grief, heartbreak, or any fighter against my mind, my being, will be defeated.
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I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been revisiting what it means to be a good winner and a good loser. The lessons from both prove vital in being a well-rounded and mature adult.
When thinking about leadership, I would expect, or hope, a leader to show modesty and gratitude when ahead. Respect and admiration towards those who win and motivation for improvement when facing loss. For someone who is unable to admit, or even acknowledge where they have room for improvement, loss can be impossible to accept. There is no bigger loser than a person who is unable to see and reach for greater self potential. Those of us lucky enough to have parents or mentors with respectable morals learn very young that losing is a part of life. Accepting loss in stride is another opportunity for winning. Shaking hands with the other “players” no matter which side of the scoreboard you’re on is the “right” way to do things. As a kid, we might not entirely understand this concept. Showing good manners makes sense, but why is being a “good loser” or “good winner” so important? If you’ve been reading my blog before today, you’re probably aware of my most consistent mantra: The desire and effort to better ourselves is the key determinant of success. It takes trial and error to navigate a progressive path. Wins and losses. And it takes open-mindedness, humility, and acceptance to move forward with the tools necessary to create positive transformation. Wins show us what works. How we react to those wins reveals our character. Are we the type to gloat? To believe that one win, in one walk of life, makes us better than anyone else? Or are we the type to congratulate the other side for their hard work and wish them the best of luck on their continued journey? Understanding there are successes from both sides to study and learn from moving forward. Losses show us where we might make improvements. How we react to losses determines are willingness to act on those changes. Whether we stay hopeful in defeat and encouraged to work harder or remain defeated and lose more than just what was up for competition this time around. Those who lose with pride are setting themselves up to win in the long run. Perseverance with vulnerability. Burdens relieved by staying true, keeping our head up and ready for what’s next. Winning or losing is a moment in time. How we respond to those wins or losses is what truly establishes a winner or loser. Losing is not only inevitable, but a ladder to future successes. Just like other hardships in life, with the right attitude, losing may be turned into something positive. A ready opportunity to collect new perspective. Learning how to lose respectfully may allow others their moment of spotlight, but it can also burn the fuel brighter within ourselves. Winning must be celebrated appropriately and not ignored as a finality. With every situation that can’t be changed there is a positive outlook to walk away with. I recently went through a healing crisis after trying acupuncture for the first time. For those of you who don’t know what a healing crisis is, like me last week, it is the worsening of symptoms or a cleansing reaction after a new alternative medicine treatment. I became very ill for three days with vomiting, headaches, fatigue, chills, weak muscles and other flu-like symptoms. My initial reaction was of course paranoia and concern, considering the current pandemic we’re all living through. Upon discovering it was a productive and necessary balancing of my body, and just the initial stage to intense healing, my outlook transformed from misery to hope. While I still continued to have the same physical symptoms with only the added awareness my body was shedding toxins, my whole attitude changed.
There are a lot of moments in life that may seem overwhelming, discouraging or dreadful. While not all of these moments have a benefit attached to the pain, all of these moments can be made less harsh with a positive outlook. There is never a time where a positive attitude doesn’t help. If hope or reasoning can’t be drawn from a tough time, strength can. Pride and confidence gathered from the ability to get through anything with the least amount of suffering possible. We may not have control over which hurdles are presented in our path, but we always have control over the way we see them and what tools we use to make the climb. With this dramatic lesson, I will run with the momentum of healing. While my body continues to recover and my health proves stronger, I vow to hold my mind on a pedestal. To never forget the greatness I can achieve, hurdles and all, when my attitude is on my side. You know when you’re having a really good day and feel nothing can bring you down? Why not carry that attitude always? Why can’t a bad day be turned around with that shield? There is protection with positivity. Power in perspective.
I find when I start my morning with something that brings me joy or secures my sense of strength, that mood carries throughout my day. Any hurdles, or daily responsibilities that usually feel draining, are instead handled gracefully. Setting this initial attitude helps protect against unnecessary stress or anger that may be added to these tasks. Waking up and immediately activating my wholesome self is my guaranteed ingredient to success. Whether it be a morning workout, a quick breathing exercise, or an apple for breakfast, healthy choices bring me more to life than a cup of coffee ever could. Endorphins from a walk or a quick Pilates circuit override the desire to eat a heavy, high calorie breakfast. Meditation can help set my mind into calm and collected action. Self-affirmations inspire confidence and the simple reminder that “I have got this.” I certainly don’t want to mope around or let life defeat me after only acting with genuine self-care. Morning exercises, whether physical or mental, boost me into that feel good mode. That “I can do anything I set my mind to” attitude. It sets the bar for the rest of my day. The little let downs, such as someone cutting me off or an expectation not panning out, can’t alter this type of joy. Those bigger hurdles, that I have to find a way to get through, feel less threatening. I know my strength and I know I can do whatever it takes. So whatever my morning’s healthy choice may be, I know getting my blood pumping and my healthy mind activated before I have time to think about anything else is the right choice for me. A reminder of my strength creates a powerful, limitless start to the day. Just as I like to have a hot cup of tea and light a candle before bed, my routine sets the tone for what’s next. The actions we set in motion can redirect our attitude. If I reach for a high bar of fulfillment, the natural lows that come with life will barely tickle my feet. In fact, anything in my path can be knocked down with persistence and an onward path. Negativity doesn’t stick when you’re reaching for the stars.
Before I continue my usual posting, discussing topics that feel so trivial during these times, I’d like to address the elephant in the room. While I don’t feel like sharing every action I take in order to support the Black Lives Matter movement is what matters most in creating actual change, I do know that I’m in a position where ignoring my acknowledgment can be misconstrued in an offensive or damaging way. I want to be very clear. I stand with Black people. I will not stop doing what I can to educate myself, donate and spread resources and I will never give up fighting for civil rights.
With that said, in order to be a valuable American citizen, I must also pay attention to my own mental health, my own progress and my own joy. While I am one of the lucky ones, who gets to choose when to fight against racism instead of experience it firsthand, it is important to prioritize what I tackle realistically. Put my oxygen mask on first so I am able to help others. Keep my head on straight so I can think and act most efficiently. I believe in my blog. I believe sharing my processing and my handling of experiences in my life has the ability to inspire others. I am well aware of the focus and importance of the focus on the racism that exists within our country so we can be proactive in reforming the system. Before the protesting and the takeover of #blm on social media, we were midst a global pandemic. One that is still happening, whether it is our number one focus right now or not. Most people have had to adjust to a new form of work. Some have lost their jobs completely and are dealing with the next steps in rebuilding their livelihood. Parents stuck at home with their children, teaching, entertaining, coping with their own stress. Recovering addicts battling claustrophobic walls. Loneliness, paranoia, worry, sadness, the list goes on. Life is HEAVY right now. So while I tried to find a specific topic to magnify this week, what I came up with was balancing it all. I know how important it is to keep tabs on my meter. How far am I from my boiling point? What do I need to cool down and refresh? Level-headed fights a stronger, more efficient fight. Am I neglecting to take care of myself in my efforts to change the world? So while I want to make room and highlight black voices right now the most, I also want to share my personal navigation through this powerful and intense time. Someone who is fighting for a cause that takes years of learning about. Someone who is trying to put herself in the shoes of so many different kinds of people. Someone who knows this fight is never ending and who won’t ever give up. If any of you reading this are like me, wondering if you can take a break to take care of yourself, my answer is yes. You should ALWAYS make sure you are taking care of your mental health. If you find yourself with time to wonder about that, you have a moment right now to take a deep breath, acknowledge your strength, and give yourself some time for peaceful reflection. My favorite thing to do when I want to refresh my mind is to check All Trails for nearby hiking trails. Sometimes I spend time exploring new music. Taking a drive with no destination to enjoy those newfound songs. When my mind is having trouble calming down, I find my at-home workouts release that turbulence. Putting on light TV, something easy going that I can focus my attention on and momentarily set aside real life. When life feels like it’s squeezing you, I recommend seeking out some joy. Whatever you gotta do to feel replenished and more ready for action, and then continue fighting. It’s been over two years now since my brother’s sudden passing. I still find myself breaking down randomly. A memory gets triggered, a craving to see him, or just the realization I never can again and I feel gutted to tears. I find myself checking the date. Hoping there’s an anniversary or it’s near his birthday so I can validate my own suffering. As if grief knows what day it is. As if I only have permission to cry over this loss on certain times of the year.
My advice for anyone dealing with this type of pain is to not overthink your hurting. It is scary to know you’ll carry this pain forever. Like a chronic illness or an injury one must learn to live around, grief doesn’t go away, it can’t be ignored, but we learn to cope. There’s no right way or right time to feel what we feel, the best we can do is treat ourselves with compassion as we navigate these new pains. The more swallowed and held in, the tighter the room inside our hearts. The only way to make space to breathe and to continue living to the best of our ability is to let out those emotions and reward ourselves for doing so. My body took a serious toll these first couple years before I learned how to release. Release the trauma and let go of my ideas of strength. The more I allow myself to cry, to remember him and to miss him, the better I feel overall. It’s not like I could ever erase the fact that he’s gone. Pushing away my release of emotions didn’t take those emotions away. In fact, it held on tightly to them. Now, I see my emotions, nurture them and send them on their way. Making room for a natural flow, plenty of space for happiness, joy, and hope. With more of my friends experiencing these tough losses, I have become familiar with what I can offer best. We can never truly understand the relationships and the losses of another person, but like the rest of my blog, I can reveal my truths, my struggles and my growth, and hope somewhere along the way I inspire someone else’s journey. I hope I can prevent someone else from having 2 years of built up tension in their bodies. Eliminate extra time spent trapping hurtful emotions within their heart. Bring peace to the curiosity of life beyond the loss of a close loved one. Proof that happiness never expires. About once a week I feel like I’m going to completely lose it. It starts in my face. Tension in my chin, warming my cheeks, my lips quiver choking down the tears, fighting for peace of mind. I don’t always know where it comes from, but I know my trauma, my sadness. I know what I’m holding in. I also know all the benefits of crying. I preach balance! Tears literally release stress hormones. Crying is factually good for us. But when it comes down to it, I fight the tears and “power through.” I mask my pain, holding on to it, keeping it within me. I’m ready to let go. To not be so afraid to cry. Change my perception of power and take on the true meaning of well-being. Am I worried I can’t handle the outpour of emotions I’ve bottled up and kept control of? Are they really even in my control if I feel at the verge of explosion? I suffer from physical pain in my body because of holding in my emotions. Sure, I might have created more moments of what felt like strength when I got through those urges to breakdown, but overall, I’ve created more hurt than if I had just let it out in that moment. Why is it that I fight so hard against my own tears? Crying can disguise itself to feel powerless. Like surrendering to my emotions. As if sadness would ever be my preferred emotion, crying could never be my choice. Who wants to cry? But who wants to drown? Bottled up with emotions, levels rising and no release. That can’t possibly be what’s most satisfying. I will run out of air! Faking a smile is temporary. It can get me through responsibilities and to an extent, everyday activities, but it won’t help me grow. It’s not a source of release. It’s a way of getting by. Surviving but not living. What is life without feeling? So when I feel like skipping the tears, “choosing happiness” over what’s coming to surface, I’ll remember this. I’ll remember to be proud of myself for allowing my emotions to flow naturally. No faking, no convincing. Just being. Releasing. Giving room to take more in. My bottle may never be completely emptied, the death of my brother is a kind of pain I can’t remove. But I can clear some space. Let feelings flow. It’s life. The tears and the smiles. The darkness and the light. I need it all to truly live. Just as a deep breath fills my lungs and releases out into the world, a system that refreshes me. Crying makes room for clarity. Room to breathe. Room to move freely.
As I sat there filling out the survey, to determine whether or not I deserve an emotional support animal, it became clear to me that I do. What initially felt like it might be a stretch from the truth, actually revealed my reality.
Some days I get so carried away in positivity, I forget the burdens of my mental health I deal with on a daily basis. But isn’t that the point? To create a lifestyle where my peace of mind dominates. A life where motivation to be better and feel my best distracts me from all that could drag me down. My attitude overrides negativity, therefore my life as a whole feels successful. Satisfying and enjoyable for the most part, powerful and tough for the rest. Not to say I don’t experience pain and discomfort from time to time. In the past 90 days, have I felt sad? Anxious? Unmotivated to push past my comfort zone in social situations? Yes, yes and totally. However, the boxes left for hopelessness, inability to see or even want a way out, don’t belong to me anymore. The key difference between “Old Lindsay” and current me is my belief in overcoming anything. I trust myself. Not only to get through, but to gain something from each hardship. Strength, a lesson, inspiration to myself, or others. You see, that is the silver lining to all the shitty times I’ve gone through. I am not crippled by my anxiety or by my harder days. Nor am I defeated by trauma. However, I am unafraid to ask for help. To listen to advice from others, lean on a friend or my family when I could use the extra support, or even label my dog an “emotional support animal” because that is exactly what he is to me. My dog, Slim Shady, (named in honor of my brother who was a devoted Eminem fan), provides purpose and meaning to each and every day I live. He reminds me what it means to take care of myself through my natural instincts taking care of him. He teaches me joy from simplicity. The smells, the snacks, the balls and squeaky toys. Running and playing, panting from exhaustion but never losing his ear-to-ear wide grin or the curiosity behind those beautiful sea green eyes. Swimming, chasing birds, cuddles and belly rubs. He not only adds to the distractions of my own burdens, but he comforts me when I don’t even realize I need it. Anxiety has been new for me, since my transformation. A piece of life I’ve had to navigate through once I began caring. Caring about my ability to create happiness. My ability to make friends now that my introverted side has taken over. Caring about the way I’m perceived. If I’m being misunderstood. I want to represent myself the way I see myself. Trying so hard to become the person I wish to be. There are so many situations now that are anxiety ridden to me, but when I’m with Slim, I don’t care so much. He brings me back to the present moment. Helps me appreciate the joy that already exists. Even my anger management reels in when I'm with him. I might want to scream after an awful day and then getting cut off on the 405, but I don't want to upset Slim. The instinct to remain calm for him is more immediate than for just myself. However, this ability to rein in an emotion before it gets out of control saves me from discomfort and gives me time to cool down before causing unnecesary pain. He pushes patience. Provides stability and comfort when I could easily feel unhinged. My wingman and my fan. I wish everyone saw me the way my dog does. I am better because of the way I wish for him to see me. Slim is my companion, my comfort, my accomplished responsibility. I take pride in the way I’ve raised him. The way he loves me. We live a life of adventure together. Activity from the moment the sun comes out until we’re both exhausted from a full day. He loves exploring new places just as much as I do and to share that excitement with him makes the future seem sweeter. He gives my life more meaning and makes each moment spent together more enjoyable. I always knew I wanted to love and support a dog, but I never expected my dog to love and support me back. It’s okay for me to accept my anxiety. To understand my grief, my sadness, my trauma. I love the person I am today while knowing all I have gone through. Knowing I continue to work through so much still. I’m strong because I accept emotional support. I strive to live my best life, whatever that may mean for me. I am not embarrassed or ashamed of the burdens my mental health may carry. When it comes to my well being, I am always open to help. Most of the time, even if it feels like my anxiety comes out of nowhere, I know why it’s there. I have a big event coming up, I have an unresolved issue with a friend, maybe it’s as simple as a full laundry basket that needs to be cleaned. My anxiety makes me feel lonely. I isolate myself and feel unfriendly and irritable. I lose my power to this tight feeling in my chest and the butterflies in my belly. I let a feeling take over my mind.
How do I overpower anxiety? When it feels all consuming, it’s easy to hide under a blanket, give up on the day, vow to try again tomorrow. But I don’t have to feel this way. I don’t have to bow down to my emotions, my emotions bow down to me. I’m the boss, and I’d rather be happy. I’m writing this post as a coping method to my current anxiety. Since I started writing, I already feel my breathing has relaxed. My jaw is unclenching and I feel the light of the sun hitting me as a cool breeze sends my hair waving. I feel vulnerable to the freedom of the day. Open again to the beauty that surrounds me. My blinders come off as soon as I’m able to take that control back. Welcoming refreshment, exhaling what’s bitter. I suddenly have a lot on my plate. Forced out of my home by the dangerous crime scenes that have taken over my city. I thought I could stay. I thought I put aside this decision, squashed my anxiety by choosing to stay and fight for a cleaner, safer city. That decision was made only 4 days before an incident occurred that threatened my safety. If I’m being smart, I know I need to leave. I’m not leaving for work, I’m not leaving for pleasure. I’m moving from my home, my community, my routine and the life I’ve spent the past few years building for myself because it is no longer safe for me to stay. I have to decide where I want to go. Find a new apartment, and go through all the steps of relocating my life and my dog’s life. My anxiety at this current moment is valid. I understand it and I leave room in my heart to be soft on its presence. However, I know I can navigate through this move with an excited attitude and positive mindset. I know I can make life easier for myself than it feels right now. Taking care of that laundry, having that needed conversation with a friend, tying up those unsettled pieces is always a good place to start. Triggering endorphins through exercise, maybe a satisfying meal, even reconnecting with an old friend can be good strategies to refocus with. Practicing smiling, offering out compliments to strangers, opening doors and other gestures without expectations from others bring me back to a healthy balance. Remind me what matters. It doesn’t matter where I go, how much work is thrown at me, or even that I had a traumatic scare a couple days ago. My mood is operated by my mind. I have the tools to adjust my settings when I’m entering breakdown mode. Restart and refresh. I am capable of as much as I deem possible. My ability to create and exude happiness is my protection. How lucky I am to have already learned how to carry happiness inside of me, instead of pull it from outside variables. The security that comes from relying on nothing and no one but myself. My anxiety is just a piece of life that keeps me strong. Humbles me and reminds me that I don’t have a happy life because my life is easy, I have a happy life because I work for one. I’m not a superhero. I don’t have magical healing powers other than my own will to heal. My desire to be strong. My knowledge that I will always carry the cape that saves me and it will always fit when I’m ready to put it on. Creating a happy life is hard work. It’s not hard work like putting together a thesis for grad school or running a marathon when you don’t like to run. It’s hard work like a package arrives at your door and it’s everything you’ve ever wanted, all you have to do is carry it to your room and be patient figuring out how to open it. How you live your life will always be about the way you view yourself. See yourself as equal. You have the ability to obtain the same opportunities as everyone around you. Their advantages may appear as disadvantages to you, but trust me you have advantages they don’t. Everything is balanced, everything is whole. Exert your energy into believing in your greatness. How you can help yourself in order to help others. What you have to offer yourself and the world. Get ahead to give back. See your magic and share it. Sometimes I struggle seeing the validity of my “problems” when I feel privileged to have avoided obvious hardships such as absent parents or financial problems. So what if I was depressed? I had support from friends and family who loved me. Big whoop I overcame weight loss, I had plenty of food on the table. If we put down the issues we must work through, they lose credit as an accomplishment when we overcome them. Each and everyone of us have privileges and hardships. Just as you should not put down someone for being raised on the streets, you should not put yourself down for anxiety over a job interview. Your feelings are allowed, they are appropriate and they are to be respected. A friend once said to me, “You think you’re strong when you hold back but that’s not what being strong is. Facing your emotions is being strong.” Face your emotions, face your problems. Don’t pity yourself, however problems don’t need extra worry over the fact that they are there. Once a problem is acknowledged, it is ready to be solved. Allow yourself the privilege to work on yourself. There’s a difference between being brave facing your feelings and acting brave by pretending you don’t have any. I’ve been so afraid to feel the loss of my brother because it’s a pain I simply don’t want to endure. I try so hard to live a happy life, overcoming pain, I lose sight of the essential ingredient to my strength. You cannot battle if you don’t show up. It is confronting my pain, my fears, my emotions that led me success. Everything I know, all I’ve accomplished have come from feeling, understanding, and adjusting my life to my circumstances. I would be a fraud if I continued on like life is all skittles and rainbows no matter what comes my way. That is not the truth. The truth is, I face difficulties almost impossible to bare, except anything is possible if you own the strength to believe in yourself. I would be doing myself an injustice to ignore this hurt, as if I don’t believe I can handle it. It’s time to feel it. How scary it is to embark this grief. Now bottled up, knowing it’s going to shatter me. But the incredible part of being human..we can be shattered, completely destroyed, and left to only our mind to pick up the pieces and put ourselves together. Haven’t you ever taken something apart only to fix it? Check to see all the pieces are still there and how they fit back together. If something isn’t working, something is broken or misplaced inside, open that shit up and rearrange it until it works again. If I don’t look inside, inspect my broken pieces, I’m only making it harder for the dooming explosion that awaits me. See your strength. Find your hope. Do you want to succeed? What does that look like for you? Everything you’re imagining is in your reach. Be patient. Your visions, your happiness does not expire. When you see it, it will be attainable. If you need to take a deeper look inside, I encourage you to do so. There is nothing too broken to be fixed when it comes to human nature. We are the most powerful beings and our lives, our happiness is in our control and our control only.
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AuthorLindsay Greenberg, providing perspective on how to live a magical life. Archives
September 2022
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