Closure is an interesting thing. I say I need it to heal and move on but I’m not sure I ever really believe that. What I’m looking for isn’t closure, it’s a way to re-enter. Hanging on to something I need to let go of and “looking for answers” to validate staying. It is the string attached to me and the problem. High voltage and hazardous until cut.
However, I finally received closure on my first heartbreak. One I felt I was stuck with. Unwilling to accept that I couldn’t have what I wanted. I couldn’t make something work just because I wanted it to. I didn’t really believe anything but time would help this wound heal. Help my heart move forward. Want to love again and someone else for that matter. Not even closure.
But then it happened. I finally got the conversation I had been longing for. To be completely raw, I had been begging for it. Confirmation in what we had and understanding in what is now. It actually worked. For some reason, this is what it took for me to let go. I guess it made sense to me for the first time. It wasn’t discrediting the authenticity of our relationship to end it, but giving value to my past. Creating a new space for this time of my life, and not forcing it into the future with me. Believing in its place. Leaving the puzzle piece where it is because it fits there. If I move it or try to take it with me, the puzzle will be left incomplete.
As much as moving on from this dark place in my life felt freeing, it was worrisome how it came about. Having closure from someone else be the deciding factor on my ability to move on is unacceptable. I know I won’t always have that opportunity. I need to find closure within myself. I need to be the final say in what I move on from and how. I must learn to create closure when no one else can give it to me.
Where will I start? What was it about this situation, this particular closure, that gave me relief? Validation and proper placement. Confidence in my feelings and truth for where I stand. But how could I be unsure of my feelings? My feelings are facts. I’ll start there.
Just as it takes time to build trust with other people, it takes time to build trust with myself. If I’m not being honest with myself about my feelings, how can I expect to trust my purpose? So this is what I vow to work on. To allow movement in and out of my life that feels good. If a piece of my puzzle feels stuck, forced into place, it probably doesn’t belong there. I need to listen to my intuitions and trust my gut. I need to put the puzzle pieces down before they get torn up and shredded from misplaced trauma. I need to keep working as my life unfolds and not get held back by one piece. As long as I’m living, this puzzle of life is never complete. But it can be completed up to this moment. Feel solid and fit together to grow from. My timeline is a piece of work. Circumstances laid out on a table, my time and effort to make something of them. To never give up.
So how will I give myself closure? When it feels like I need someone else’s story, someone else’s pieces? Trust I’m working with all the pieces I need. My hands are all that is necessary to secure them. Waiting around to see what other pieces may show up is a waste of time and only cause for pain. I will decide how my pieces fit and let them be. Get excited for the new pieces to arrive and watch my puzzle grow into a masterpiece. Beauty will present itself if I keep placing my pieces and moving forward.